My mind is finally as clear as ever. I know what I want, I know what I need to do, and I actually have a plan? I feel more motivated than ever, yet still a little skeptical about myself.

After a month of taking time to myself to really evaluate my life: where I am, where I am going, who I am, and what makes me happy; I have come to the realization that I REALLY DO NOT KNOW! I really thought I did. I guess over the past few years, I lost touch with who I am and what it was that really makes me happy. I need to find it again.

So, I broke up with the boyfriend. Time to get myself together and really come to grips with myself. It has always been hard when it comes to trying to understand myself. So much has happened, and its really hard. I’m always using it as an excuse, but I need to learn what those experiences really did to me, so I can understand and use it to make myself a better person. A more collected individual.

In addition to getting myself into a better mental/spiritual shape, I am going to also focus my energy on getting into a better physical shape. Start working out regularly, and eatting healthy. Being well balanced, and take care of my overall health.

I don’t know how long this is going to take, but I need to do it. Need to get myself together. I need to figure myself out, and really regain my sense of purpose in life. *sigh* wish me luck.

I love my family… really I do. I know that I don’t really fit in with my family much, but I still love them. It really saddens me sometimes knowing that I’m the outsider. I’m quiet, not much of a talker, so that doesn’t help me any bit. I’m not a shy person, but I am I guess? For as long as I can remember, when it comes to my family, I have always been the ‘outcast’.

I think thats why I am so compelled to bring and keep my family together. I think that if everyone were closer, it might help me be closer. That maybe one day, I can be appreciated for being the ‘glue’ of the family.

Being an only child really sucks. They say that I’m “lucky” to not have had a sibling to torment me… but really… I wish I did. To have that kind of closeness with someone other than my parents. The relationship that siblings have is a relationship that you really can’t get with anyone else. Friends come and go… it’s just not the same. Some of my cousins have that type of sibling rivalry relationship, but I was the outcast.

My grandmother on my father’s side of the family raised 9 children. Of those 9, they raised 21 children, including myself. Of my 20 cousins, at some point growing up, I was close to most of them. Now, I am often left out. Not invited to anything, not asked about, not missed, not cared about?

It’s a big family. I cannot lie, I am somewhat close to some cousins, not as close as I would like, but close. Unfortunately, being that I am an only child, my children won’t be as lucky to have so much family. They will have a very large extended family of my cousins’ children. Our family is getting smaller generation by generation. That’s America.

So, I have this friend that is pretty much on the otherside of the world. I love talking to this friend! I think because they are so far away, when I tell them things going on, they are forced to see things from my perspective. They’re open-minded and always give me other perspectives, but more often than not, they understand me. I think it helps a lot that this friend is such a great listener.
I find it so wierd that I am so compelled to talk to this person all the time when I have a lot of friends locally that I can just call and we can get coffee to talk. Inside, I ‘chat’ with this friend online. It’s convenient, but very funny because of the time/day different.

Consider this my blog to vent.

This time last year, I was initiated into my fraternity. I was really looking forward to being part of the fraternity seeing that I saw a lot of opportunity that could come out of the experience. I saw an opportunity for me to build up my network and leadership experience. It started pretty well, and I met a lot of people that shared similar goals and ideals as myself. Eventually, as with most ‘groups’, there were problems with conflicting personalities and opinions. I was very disappointed in how things turned out.

I am a very open-minded and understanding person, but I just can’t stand when people are so lazy that they will turn away from any idea that involves work and will demand instead that there be a shortcut alternative given. When you cut corners, you lose value in the experience.

I wanted to take on a position to help improve things, but as I was not chosen for positions, I guess people did not like that I wanted to change things. My “plans” involved work and work is bad. Silly me. I thought this was about work experience and bettering ourselves rather than just hanging out and having fun. Silly, silly me.

Professional fraternity? Not in our chapter. Silly, silly me. So many unprofessional people in this chapter, I won’t name any names who completely lost the reality of what “professional” means.

They think ‘brotherhood’ is partying and getting drunk or something like that. Seriously? If I wanted to be part of a social organization, I would have joined a social sorority. I’m getting a little too old to be around people like this. I used to be proud of being part of this fraternity, now they want to remove a friend of mine whom was the whole reason I joined this fraternity and put work into making the chapter better. If they remove her, might as well remove me too. I don’t have any reason to be part of an organization like this.

What’s the big deal? Inter-racial marriage, inter-religion marriage, whatever. Still stands that 1/3 marriages end in divorce. Regardless of sexual orientation, religion, ethnicity, age, political view, social class… marriages are going to have problems. I say, if they want to get married… let them!

“The saintity of marriage” was demolished when they created drive-thru wedding chapels in Vegas! Look at all the celebrities that get hitched just to create publicity or drunks that get married to complete strangers… atleast same-sex couples are getting married for LOVE.

Seriously, what is banning marriage going to do? It may stop them from being legally married, but they are still going to be together! It will NOT stop people from being gay/lesbian! I don’t understand why people are so against it. IT IS NOT GOING TO AFFECT YOU!

I recent read A Letter to my Daughter by Maya Angelou. It was an astonishing read! Maya Angelou takes her life experiences to provide lessons and advice. It’s a very inspirational book, her life is amazing. I can not compare my life to hers, but I too have experienced a lot. What if I wrote a book similarly? Not an autobiography, but a mix of memoir and advise. More of anything, a compilation of lessons I have learned… the hard way. Hmm… something I shall think about.

I’m 25, but I’d like to believe that I am well informed of the things that go on in the world and that I’m pretty mature. Being that I am still in college and I work in a very young company, I’m surrounded by people that are younger than me.

I was sitting minding my own business when I overheard a VERY annoying conversation. Here’s how the conversation went:

Guy: Who are you voting for?
Girl: Obama.
Guy: Oh.
Girl: Why? Do you want McCain to win?
Guy: Yeah. Why?
Girl: You’re such a racist. Just because you’re white, you’re going to vote for the white guy.
Guy: No. That Palin chick is hot!
Girl: Well I’m just tired of old white men running our country.

The whole time, I’m sitting there biting my lips to not say anything. Seriously? What does any of that have to do with anything? I can’t stand all of the people who are finally paying attention to politics just because there’s a hot chick running for VP and a black guy running for President. It’s good that they are atleast registered to vote, but they aren’t paying attention at all to the issues!

It’s crazy when you look back at your life sometimes. In the moment, life is hard and sometimes unbareable, but you work through it and life goes on. It can take some time, but things do happen for a reason.

Months ago, there was a lot of drama going on with different people butting heads. Major personality and point of view clash. So I parted ways to stay out of the drama. It sucked because I ended up separating myself from friends that I enjoyed spending time with. At the time, it just sucked, but looking back at it now, I know that if all of that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I am much better off now than I was months ago. I’m supporting myself, I’m dedicated to finishing school, and I am taking better care of myself. I’m not goofing around as much anymore. Things are going well.

Everything really does happen for a reason. It may be hard to see the good in things at the present time that it is occurring, but life tends to show itself in due time. Patience is the key.